We're sick and tired of being told what not to do at a law firm holiday party. We get it, already. Here, we present how to make an ass of yourself at your firm's shindig and destroy your career in the process. Follow these tried-and-true tips and we guarantee you'll be on your way to “pursuing other interests” in no time.

You're welcome.

First thing, fire up a doob. Hey, Gov. Cuomo says he's ready for recreational marijuana in New York. Stay one step ahead of the trend.

Fellas, bring a pay stub. And compare it with those of your women colleagues'. The income disparity is sure to elicit a robust round of hardy har-hars.

Get creative with your wardrobe. Pants? Who needs 'em?

Memories … Share stories about the good times you had at UVA law with classmate Kirstjen Nielsen, secretary of Homeland Security.

Proposition your assistant. With the #MeToo Movement still going strong, there's never been a better time to torpedo your future with a sexual harassment scandal. Guaranteed results for lawyers of all genders! Bonus points if you're married.

Cozy up to clients. A particularly effective tactic for associates. An arms-around-the-neck, boozy-breathed “I love you, man” strikes just the right note.

Talk lots of politics and religion. If not now, when?

Be the last one to leave. Even better if you're passed out under the carving station.

Call in sick the next day. Use the excuse of an ungodly hangover. Chances are, however, you've already been fired. Mission accomplished!