Sex Czars, Lies and Law Firms' Fate: The Careerist's Predictions for Life in Law in 2018
Diversity, gender equality, innovation, millennials, sexual harassment? Nah. They won't take up any of your time in 2018.
January 02, 2018 at 12:41 PM
4 minute read
It's that time of year again, when I peer into my crystal ball to see what's in store for the legal profession in the new year. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Big little lies will become part of the legal culture. It will be no big deal to inflate GPAs or IQ scores on resumes, omit a felony conviction on a questionnaire or exaggerate the size of the audience at your moot court competition.
Hey, if folks in high public office (Jeff Sessions, Jared Kushner and the POTUS himself) or candidates for the federal bench (Brett Talley) can forget or distort the facts, why not the rest of us?
Once Harvard Law School announced that it will take GREs, you knew that the LSAT as the gold standard for law school admission was finito. But law schools won't stop with the GREs. Spooked by that big dip in law school applications following the recession, law school officials will cast a wide net.
So expect law schools to start accepting SATs, PSATs, ACTs—even the ISEE (Independent School Entrance Exam), that silly test your kid takes to get into a posh private school.
Look for more hype about how millennials will change the evil ways of Big Law, transforming firms into more egalitarian, open and humane work environments.
Don't worry, law firm managers: Millennials are needy and want approval. Just give them constant feedback, tell them their opinions are important and keep doing what you've always done. They'll fall into line—like you did. Weren't Baby Boomers supposed to bring on the revolution, too?
Also, rumors will continue to circulate that clients will force law firms to become more inclusive and diverse.
Again, no worries: Clients may scold, but they won't do anything drastic, like firing your firm. You white, middle-aged boys have been doing a dandy job, so why rock the boat?
Women will spend more time analyzing why they lag so far behind men. Firms will gladly send their female lawyers to all-day, all-week or all-season seminars, conferences and workshops on why women aren't succeeding.
This will get the women out of the office so that men can do client development in peace.
Though the #MeToo moment hasn't really hit Big Law, firms are scared that there might be sleeper-Harveys in the ranks. Move over, marketing mavens and diversity directors! To save their business, the latest must-have will be the resident sex czar.
Besides forcing everyone to undergo hours of sexual harassment training, the sex czar will be responsible for tracking the sex lives or potential sex lives of all lawyers. It will mean the end of office romance as we know it—a sad state of affairs for busy lawyers who have little chance of hanky-panky outside of the office.
Law firm events will get (even more) unbearable. Because of the fear that alcohol will lead to indiscretions and lawsuits (see above), all law firm outings, holiday parties, dinners and other events will be dry. Yes, you will really have to sit stone sober next to that retired partner and feign amazement as he tells you (again) about how Cravath, Swaine & Moore unleashed a Pandora's box by upping the starting associate salary to over $30,000.
The Trump administration will legalize sexual harassment. While law firms and the rest of corporate America scramble to grapple with sexism in their workplaces, President Donald Trump will change the rules of the game. He will nominate judges to the federal bench who believe that sexual harassment is a form of free speech that deserves First Amendment protection.
Yo, shouldn't Neanderthals be a protected class, too?
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