The little things show how she's changed.

Connecticut Supreme Court Justice Maria Araujo Kahn no longer watches violent movies. It's only comedies now, or "happy movies where everyone is treated nicely" for the jurist whose in-court responsibilities follow her far beyond the bench. Kahn once adjudicated a case involving cannibalism, and oversaw the trial of a defendant accused of possessing more than 100 videos of child pornography.

Now, she and other judges say the black robes of justice are heavy.

Adjudicating major conflicts, handing down decisions with far-reaching consequences, and sometimes wielding the power of life and death is a formidable responsibility, one that leaves judges exhausted and often traumatized, according to a study by the American Bar Association's Commission on Lawyers Assistance Programs.

The stress sometimes leads to high blood pressure, insomnia, stress and other telltale signs of the burden jurists carry, the study suggests.

"I'd have raw emotions bubbling up in me," said Robert Devlin Jr., a Connecticut Appellate Court judge who spent decades handling criminal cases on the Superior Court bench. "It takes a toll on you, especially after 26 years."

'Cases stick with you'

Many in her courtroom didn't know this, but Kahn often kept her feelings at bay in the courtroom by looking down and writing notes, sometimes avoiding eye contact with the people appearing before her.

"It can be very hard to keep your emotions in check when hearing from victims' families, and also at times, from the defendants' families," the judge said. "Those cases stick with you."

And their effects can be unexpected.

A television crime show about a serial murderer or cannibal might reawaken emotions, so the judge has learned to avoid them.

"They tug at your heart," Kahn said. "Seeing images outside of court will trigger memories from in court.

Top 20 Sources of Judicial Stress

• Importance/impact of decisions — 79.7%
• Heavy docket of cases — 73.2%
• Unprepared attorneys — 67.6%
• Self-represented litigants — 62.5%
• Same parties repeatedly, but not addressing underlying issues — 58.1%
• Public ignorance of courts — 55.5%
• Long hours of work without break — 53.5%
• Hearing contentious family-law issues — 50.3%
• Isolation in judicial service — 50.3%
• Insufficient support staff — 49.5%
• Counsel's increased incivility, unprofessionalism — 48.5%
• Unable to hear as many cases as needed — 47.9%
• Cases involving severe trauma/horror — 45.9%
• Inadequate compensation structure — 47.3%
• Running for office/reelection — 41.6%
• Courthouse security concerns — 41.4%
• Increased use of electronic media — 37.2%
• Concern for personal or family safety — 37.1%
• Staffing cuts and turnover — 35.9%
• High-profile cases — 35.7%

Source: 2019 National Judicial Stress and Resilience Survey

Organizations, such as the National Center for State Courts, appear to be taking note. The group publishes a Judicial Stress Resource Guide that addresses the link between budget cuts and low morale among court employees; a connection between obesity and judicial stress; burnout, emotional labor; misconduct among jurists; substance abuse; personal strain and other issues.

And the American Bar Association's Commission on Lawyers Assistance Programs took an in-depth look with a study released at a national conference in Austin, Texas, in September.

The group surveyed 1,034 judges to identify key stressors and solutions.

One dark takeaway: 2.2% of the judges who responded to the survey said they had thoughts of injuring themselves or of committing suicide. And in the last two years, at least two judges—one from Florida and one from Georgia—died by suicide.

Few judges get to that low point, thanks to wellness strategies they've developed over years on the bench.

Kahn, for instance, spends time visiting schools to speak to children about the law. And Superior Court Judge Robert Abrams does community theater, while Devlin would walk for one mile from the Bridgeport courthouse to Seaside Park.

"Those walks helped," he said. "It just takes something out of you to constantly hear these cases. There is an emotional drain."

'Harder than people think'

Devlin said he's found himself pulling back while on the bench in some instances.

"Sometimes, it's hard to hold the emotions in check. I'd find my voice crackling sometimes, and I need to push that all back into me and just do my job," he said. "I can tell you that sentencing took a lot out of me, because you'd see people emote in front of you. It was very painful, not just for the defendants or victims as their stress was evident, but also their families and friends and others affected."

Pullman & Comley member and retired Superior Court Judge Robert Holzberg said he would on occasion get angry at certain situations, but worked hard not to show that anger on the bench.

"There is no magic bullet to managing stress and the emotions that come with being a judge," he said. "The response to stress is individualized."

Kahn agreed.

"The overall stress of the job is harder than people think," she said. "You can't fully comprehend the awesome responsibility of the job, and the stress that comes with it."

Plus, there are other job pressures, including administrative responsibilities such as handling busy dockets, managing courthouse personnel, and juggling a public performance review.

"Judges in Connecticut are subject to reappointment every eight years," Holzberg said. "It's a stressor for many judges as it gets closer to that eight-year mark."

Different courtrooms give rise to varying concerns.

"The greatest stress for me comes with knowing that almost always, we are making the final decision in a case," said Richard Palmer, an associate Connecticut Supreme Court justice since 1993. "There is a lot of responsibility with that."

Sometimes, the weight of the justices' responsibility is especially clear during oral arguments.

"There is no particular strategy for dealing with it," Palmer said. "I just do it."