As educated professionals and workhorse problem solvers—kind and thoughtful ruminators, as it were—in a world going toes up on man’s inhumanity to man, we can all agree there remain three important things: Feeding hungry children, playing live music and winning big trophies from important government officials.

I don’t like to go hungry. It’s fair to say you can tell that from the looks of me. Gone is the svelte young athlete, the boy-man who was taller than he was big around. It’s no surprise I named my daughter Little Debbie, despite the protestations of tasteful people everywhere.

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