"The Fear Of Being Discovered Was Crippling" - One Gay Man's Experience Of Being Out at Work
From feeling repressed by the Church to eventually coming out to his then-wife, Keith Riley-Whittingham talks about coming to terms with his identity as a gay man.
June 18, 2020 at 06:57 AM
6 minute read
As part of our ongoing series of articles about people's experiences with their gender and sexuality for U.K. Price Month, we hear from Keith Riley-Whittingham, an internal communications executive at DWF. Here he speaks to Law.com International about his experiences about coming out as a gay man to his then-wife, the negative experiences he had at his first work-place, and the importance of now working in an LGBT-friendly law firm.
"You have not done anything wrong. On the contrary, what you have done is the opposite of that. You have told the truth, and everything that happens now is just the consequence of doing the right thing".
My friend David said that to me three weeks after breaking the heart of the one person that meant more to me than anything else in the world. My wife.
On the evening of Sunday 16 July 2017, we sat on the sofa together, my arm around her shoulder and her cuddled up to me. From the outside, we were a perfect picture. Married for ten years, owned our cars, had a lovely house, great jobs and both leaders in our local church, we had it made.
On the inside, however, it was a different story, and I was very unwell. I hadn't realised that I was crying, but I was, and my caring wife wouldn't let it rest until she found out why. I turned the TV off, and through the tears, I told her "I am gay. I always have been, and I wished I wasn't".
I'd been going to church from an early age, but as I got into my late teens and started to understand more of my sexuality, a clear divide grew between the people I socialised with and the church. Of course, my sexual identity didn't marry up with the teachings of the bible. As such, I was encouraged to leave "those people" behind, 'to repent and turn away'. I was desperate to find my place in the world, and I trusted what they said was true, so despite this small voice in my chest beating away, I did as I was told.
'The idea that I would or could tell anyone the truth was unthinkable'
In 2004 I met the woman that would become my wife. She was perfect for me. She was funny, incredibly loving and caring, and in our time together she made me better in every single way. Throughout our marriage, I often sought advice to 'keep my secret', but even with a therapist, nothing helped. I desperately longed to be cured like I had been promised all those years in the church, I was consumed by trying to keep it hidden, and because of that stress and anxiety, I was very unwell both physically and mentally.
A big part of the fear of coming out of course was my workplace. Having worked for a company for ten years, everyone knows you and your family really well. Hence, the idea that I would or could tell anyone the truth was unthinkable, I had a very prominent role, and the fear of being discovered was crippling.
I was at a different company when I eventually came out. My news was met with warmth and understanding. Still, sadly, despite only trusting my manager and a business director, I soon learned I was the subject of gossip and jokes leading to a 'head of' standing in the middle of our quiet department and said loudly "Keith you're gay now, what do you think of my dress?" I felt the familiar shame rise within me instantly, and I knew everyone was looking at me, I excused myself and walked to the bathroom where I promptly threw up. I sat on that toilet in tears for six hours, waiting for everyone to go home. I endured 18 more months of this kind of behaviour.
I joined DWF in February 2019. I had researched the firm, trawling through the annual reports and awards and could tell that DWF was at the very least an accepting workplace. I knew there were clear policy and guidance around equality for all aspects of the Diversity and Inclusion spectrum.
Although it was still unnerving, I walked proudly into the office in Manchester, excited for the first time in my life to start a new job as an openly gay man. It was only after a few weeks that I felt as though I had a life again, realising how important it is to be in an environment that isn't just accepting, but is purposefully focused on being inclusive of all people.
In the last year, I have met and spent time with some of the kindest and caring people I could have hoped to meet. Through my experiences and unique 'coming out' story, I have been able to (and encouraged to) spend time talking and engaging with other staff members. I am now a part of our LGBTQ+ network consisting of straight and queer people from across the business and more than anything. I am welcomed exactly as I am, not because of what I bring to the table but because of who I bring to the table.
Personally, I am thrilled that the next season of my journey both in my career and my personal life is at DWF, as a battered and bruised 37-year-old, I cannot begin to tell you how colourful life is when you go to work knowing you are loved just as you are.
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