In movies and TV shows, we've gotten used to seeing arch villains plotting complex schemes, and evil geniuses managing to stay one step ahead of even the most intrepid detectives. But in everyday life, we see far more evidence of the opposite—that the criminal element may not be all that bright. Take, for example, the mastermind who thought he'd hit upon a way to use the HOV lane without getting busted—by putting a Halloween prop skeleton in the passenger seat, cleverly disguised with a camouflage fishing cap. But Arizona Department of Public Safety troopers weren't fooled, and the offending driver was ticketed for HOV and window tinting violations. No one should have a bone to pick with that.

And how about what a Florida Highway patrolman encountered during a routine traffic stop recently? After pulling over a car traveling 25 miles per hour over the speed limit, the trooper observed something suspicious in the vehicle—a bag with the rather helpful embossed label, "Bag Full of Drugs." A sheriff's K-9 unit alerted the police to the presence of contraband (as if seeing something prominently identified as "Bag Full of Drugs" wasn't enough) and inside the bag were 75 grams of methamphetamine, 1 gram of cocaine, 3.6 grams of fentanyl, 15 ecstasy tablets, drug paraphernalia, and 1.36 kilograms of GHB. Helpful hint: If you're going to traffic in illegal narcotics, it might be a bad idea to store them in something called a "Bag Full of Drugs."

Speaking of drugs, we often hear about suspects who eat their stash in a desperate effort to get rid of evidence. The popular ditty, "Don't Eat Your Weed," by two Waco attorneys, spells out why that's a bad idea. But few people go as far as 30-year-old Dwight Vaughan of Syracuse, New York, who's been accused of fatally stabbing a man following a car crash in March 2019. When he was brought in for questioning, Vaughan began eating his shirt. Detectives rushed in and collected the shirt before Vaughan could finish his "meal." The shirt, which had small red circular drops on it that could be blood, has been sent for testing. Given his low standards, at least Vaughan isn't likely to complain about jail food.

And if "Attempt to eat incriminating evidence" isn't high enough on the "What Not to Do When Questioned by Police" list, there's always the "Give a Fake Name" strategy. Unfortunately for 28-year-old Shareeka Strawn of Wichita Falls, that didn't work out so well either. On Jan. 15, Strawn was stopped by police after failing to use a turn signal; after the vehicle was stopped, police observed something "fly out" the passenger window. Knowing that she had five outstanding warrants at the time, Strawn decided to give police a fake name, Porshala Strawn. Unfortunately for her, "Porshala" also had an outstanding warrant and Strawn was taken into custody (she gave officers her real name while being transported to jail). The "phony name" ploy didn't pan out for 26-year-old Jacob Hisel of Bradenton, Florida, either. When he was stopped by police, Hisel had outstanding warrants for dealing in stolen property and forgery, so he too decided to throw police off his trail by giving a false name—that of his 23-year-old brother Nathan. But unbeknownst to Jacob Hisel, Nathan Hisel had an outstanding warrant as well. After being taken into custody and fingerprinted, Jacob Hisel's true identity was revealed. I guess that's yet another topic for Thanksgiving dinner table conversation; "So, if I get arrested, do any of you have outstanding warrants? Just asking… "

And while it may not be as dubious a strategy as giving a fake name, criminals might also wish to rethink their choice in tattoos. Donald Murray, 38, of Terre Haute, Indiana, was probably reevaluating his tattoo parlor choices after he was taken into custody after leading the police on a car chase. Murray, who was charged with auto theft and resisting law enforcement, has a large tattoo across his forehead that reads "Crime Pays." Apparently, Murray, it does not.

And finally, on the list of things you shouldn't do when you're facing charges of marijuana possession, lighting up and smoking a joint in open court has got to be, well, "high" on that list. But that's what Spencer Alan Boston of Tennessee did recently. In court to face the possession charges, Boston told the judge that he felt marijuana should be legalized. As if to underscore his point, or perhaps go out in a "blaze of glory," Boston pulled a joint from his pocket and began smoking it. The judge was not amused, and Boston now faces new charges of disorderly conduct and marijuana possession. Wilson County Sheriff Robert Ryan called the incident, which was captured on video, "one of the craziest things I've seen."

Let's hope his next hearing isn't set for 4:20 p.m., or we may see this happen again.

John G. Browning is a Dallas-based attorney who handles a wide variety of civil litigation in state and federal courts.