John G. Browning, partner at Spencer Fane.

I recently received two emails in the same day from Texas lawyers (one practicing in Texas, the other out of state) telling me how much they appreciated my humor columns, particularly during these scary times of global pandemic. Both readers reminded me how stressed out we are as we shelter in place, work from home, and practice social distancing. So now, more than ever, they said, we need a little humor. Fortunately, there's enough weirdness in the legal system to provide plenty of material.

First up, in the "Most Creative Excuses for Speeding" category, we have the Lakewood, Washington, man arrested March 29 after leading state troopers on a high-speed chase. During the chase (and while the suspect was traveling at 109 miles per hour), troopers attempting to corner the suspect's vehicle noticed that a pit bull was sitting in the driver's seat while the suspect steered. The trooper was able to stop the car by using spike strips, but not until after it had hit two cars and veered onto a busy bicycle trail. The suspect's excuse for reckless driving? He was "trying to teach his dog how to drive." Washington State Trooper Heather Axtman said, "I wish I could make this up. I've been a trooper for almost 12 years and … never have I gotten an excuse that they were teaching their dog how to drive." The suspect has been charged with reckless endangerment, hit and run, felony eluding, and—perhaps not surprisingly—driving under the influence. The dog was taken to a nearby shelter. And while the many benefits of "man's best friend" may not include "designated driver," this case certainly gives new meaning to the term "dogged pursuit."

Of course, claiming you were teaching your dog to drive isn't the only stupid thing a criminal suspect has done lately. Police in Terrebonne Parish, Louisiana, arrested 33-year-old Stormy Lynn Parfait on drug charges. It seems that when she showed up at the jail in Ashland, Louisiana, to post an inmate's bail, the $5,000 in cash Parfait brought had "a strong odor of marijuana." Detectives searched her car and found nearly $40,000 more along with illicit drugs, and a later search of her home turned up more cash and drugs. Parfait has been charged with multiple counts of possession with intent to distribute. I'm not sure what her defense will be, but let's just say it might not pass the smell test.

But even canine driving lessons and pot-scented bail money may have to take a back seat to the 36-year-old male shoplifter in Gillette, Wyoming. This genius allegedly shoplifted multiple items from a Sportsman's Warehouse store, and in the process got recorded on store security video removing the items' tags. He returned to the same store three hours later, shoplifting more items and—wait for it—then filled out a job application. Police officers were summoned to the store, where they arrested the sticky-fingered suspect. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he didn't get the job. But it does make me curious how he described himself on the job application; maybe he claimed to be "good with his hands," or a "self-starter who acts on his own initiative," and has no problems with "lifting"?

Naturally, if you're going to break the law, it helps to be inconspicuous. This is a memo that the driver pulled over by sheriff's deputies in Waukesha, Wisconsin, in late January clearly never got. The driver was pulled over for failing to give enough room to an emergency vehicle with its lights flashing. Apparently, the driver and his vehicle were easy to spot, since it was the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. And while the sheriff's deputy apparently let the driver off with a verbal warning, I'm sure that first he gave him a real grilling for being such a "hot dog" on the road.

Finally, while she doesn't fit in the "stupid criminal" category, 30-year-old Diana Ortiz of New York deserves special mention. Ortiz is the plaintiff in a recently filed slip and fall lawsuit, which she filed after sustaining back and knee injuries from a fall on the stairs at an Upper East Side bar. The name of the establishment? The Stumble Inn. Ortiz says that when she told her brother about where she fell, "he laughed at me." Well, Diana, you can't say they didn't warn you.

John G. Browning is a Dallas-based attorney who handles a wide variety of civil litigation in state and federal courts.