Did the last network television sitcom leave you underwhelmed? Did you barely crack a smile during the last Netflix stand-up comic special? I have the solution for those thirsting while wandering the comedy desert: the news. No, not the “pandemic/politics/natural disaster” type of news, but the “criminals so inept that it’s hilarious” news. Consider, for example, the two bungling burglars in Staffordshire, England, who recently alerted police to their own crime. It seems one of the burglars accidentally sat on his phone, causing it to “butt dial” 999, the U.K.’s emergency number. This allowed police to hear the crime in progress, right up until the officers dispatched to the scene arrested the hapless duo. To add insult to injury, Chief Inspector John Owen tweeted about how the Staffordshire police “just arrested the world’s unluckiest burglars,” and added a GIF of the inept burglar Marv from the movie “Home Alone” (played by Daniel Stern). Sick burn, chief inspector.

The pandemic has made a lot of people do things they never did before, even normally law-abiding ones. A 24-year-old woman in Sherbrooke, Quebec, was frustrated by her city’s COVID lockdown restrictions, including a strict curfew with very limited exceptions. One of those exceptions was for dog walking. So the woman put a leash on her husband, and they left the house for a late-night stroll. When Quebec police confronted her, she insisted that she was just “walking her dog.” The Quebec police, who were no doubt more accustomed to husbands being kept on a short leash in the metaphorical sense, were not amused and issued tickets for more than $1,200 each to both wife and husband. The couple protested at the scene, and have vowed to fight the citations in court. Hey, it could have been worse: she might’ve gotten ticketed for not cleaning up after him.

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