Navigating the Complexities of Divorce: What Family Lawyers Wish Their Clients Knew

We have witnessed countless divorces and their impacts on families. While each case is unique, there are many common challenges and misconceptions faced by each client. Here are some curves in the road every client should be aware of prior to embarking on this difficult journey.

The Reality of Litigation

Emotional and Financial Toll

Litigation is often more stressful and costly than anticipated.
Emotional strain can affect decision-making abilities.
Financial burdens may include attorney fees, court costs, valuations, and expert witness fees.

Time Frame

Divorces rarely conclude as quickly as clients hope.
Complex cases can take months or even years to resolve.
Court schedules and mandatory waiting periods can cause delays.
- In Texas, a divorce must be on file for a minimum of 60 days before it can be finalized.
- If a party is pregnant at the time of entry of the Decree, the child is presumed to be a child of the marriage, and the trial court will delay finalization until after the birth of the child.
- There are no magic rules if the parties have used in vitro fertilization (IVF) and they have not agreed upon the status of the remaining embryos, unless the parties previously contracted regarding disposition, or do so in the context of their divorce.

Unpredictability

Outcomes are never guaranteed. You hire an advocate, not a bookie.
Judges have significant discretion in family law matters.
Settlement negotiations can break down with no warning.

Dealing With Bullying Tactics

From Your Spouse

Intimidation attempts are common, especially in high-conflict divorces.
Emotional manipulation may increase as the divorce progresses. Sadly, children may be used as pawns in the litigation chess game.
Financial bullying, such as hiding assets or cutting off access to funds, can occur.
There is a difference between being the "leaver" (the person who wants out of the marriage) and the "left" (the person left behind wondering what happened and how they might still reconcile the relationship).
If a party is overwhelmed, it is sometimes quite difficult for them to deal with the many requests for data requested by their attorney's office.

From Opposing Counsel

Aggressive attorneys may use intimidating language or threats.
There is rarely "one" truth. Each party has their own perspective on what constitutes "the truth." Judges often see the truth as somewhere in between each party's perspective.
Delay tactics might be used to frustrate a party or to increase costs.
Overwhelming document requests can be burdensome financially and emotionally, as well as in terms of the time commitment necessary to gather the requested documentation.

Changes in Child Custody and Possession

Texas has a Standard Possession Order. However, the parties may agree to some other type of access.
Your possession order may simply reflect your current arrangement with your spouse as to who has the children at different times.

Factors Affecting Custody Decisions

The court's primary concern is the child's best interests.
Factors include each parent's ability to provide for the child's needs, the child's relationship with each parent, and whether there has been any history of family violence.

Ready/Steady

Be prepared for less time with your child, particularly if you are not appointed to be the party who establishes the primary residence for the child during the pendency of the case.
Anticipate new schedules and traditions for holidays, vacations and special occasions.
Do not be surprised by geographical restrictions on where you may live with the children.

Challenges in Co-Parenting

Communicate effectively with your spouse about the children.
Every email, card, post and picture may come back to bite you at the courthouse.
There may be different rules of behavior applied in each household.
Learn to grapple with your children's emotional responses to living in two different homes and two unique sets of rules—and with new people in each parent's life.
Impairment—physical, mental, or addiction issues—may need to be taken into consideration in division of the estate and/or as to child related issues.

Temporary Orders

Many counties have standing orders that protect the parties, their children, pets, and property during the pendency of a case.
When necessary, it is possible to ask a court to issue temporary orders regarding who lives where, allocating costs of maintaining residence(s), and establishing temporary orders as to child support and custody.
Need elbow room? Seek temporary orders requesting that one spouse move out of the marital residence.

Financial Considerations

The larger the estate, the more likely there will be a 50/50 division. This is because judges loathe being overturned on appeal. The Texas Family Code looks to a just and right, fair and equitable division of the estate.
Hidden assets can complicate property division.
Competing values can complicate property division.
Tracing, reimbursement, reconstitution, and other sophisticated valuation issues can complicate the case.
Allocation of debts can be as divisive as division of assets.
Tax implications and/or special needs of a litigant or one of their children may also add additional layers of concern.

Spousal Maintenance

There is no guarantee, and it is often limited in duration.
Your eligibility for alimony, absent agreement, is based on specific criteria.

Child Support

Child support is calculated on a percentage of the non-custodial parent's net monthly resources, with a glass ceiling that can be cracked in certain circumstances.
It may not cover all expenses related to raising a child (courts address true needs, rather than lifestyle).
Modifications are possible in the future, based on proof of material and substantial changes and other factors.

Long-Term Financial Impact

Retirement accounts, stock grants, and pensions are likely to be subject to division if earned during marriage.
Even if one party has been out of the workforce for many years based on mutual agreement, such arrangements may change.

Burdens of Litigation

Time Commitment

It will take time to gather and organize financial documents.
Other time consumers will be attending meetings with your attorney, therapist, financial planner, and other professionals to value certain assets, such as businesses, real estate, jewelry, planes, cars, and collectibles.
Participating in child custody evaluations, depositions, mediation, and court hearings also take time.

Emotional Stress

You will need to focus on all aspects of the relationship—the good and bad—in dissolving the marriage.
Judges don't always like hearing spouses trade "deep secrets" for leverage in cases.
There will be anxiety prompted by the future and uncertain outcomes.
You will potentially lose a sense of "home," "friends," and "extended family."

Impact on Day-to-Day Life

It may be difficult to concentrate at work.
There will definitely be many communications from your attorney and his/her staff.
There will be public exposure of many private matters.

Impact on the Kids

Try to keep the children out of the middle of any adult conflict.
Do not use the children to communicate messages that should flow between the adults.
Balance and prioritize your children's needs over the demands of the litigation.

How to Cope

Support Network
1. You may need to lean on family and friends.
2. Consider a religious and/or secular divorce support group.
3. Work with a therapist to help you process the many emotions you are dealing with. Divorce is the end of a relationship. Divorce is also a path to a new beginning.
Stay Organized
1. Keep detailed records of all divorce related documents.
2. Keep a calendar of important dates and deadlines (discovery, hearings, meetings with evaluators).
3. Keep a calendar of time spent with your child (and time ceded to the other parent).
Prioritize Self-Care
1. Exercise. Eat healthy foods. Avoid excess.
2. Get sleep. Rest is essential in caring for you, your children, and your case.
3. Make time for you. What hobbies did you enjoy in the past? What new hobbies do you want to engage in now?
Focus on Long-Term Goals
1. Focus. Fight worthy battles. Avoid small skirmishes that do not serve your endgame.
2. Always focus on your children's needs—physically, emotionally, and financially.
3. What does your post-divorce life look like? Plan realistically and accordingly.
Communicate Well
1. As Bill Eddy says, keep your communications Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly.
2. Envision your post-divorce life. Focus on planning for that life.
3. Listen—as much or more—than you talk.
4. Be an active listener, not a reactive listener.

Navigating a divorce is akin to navigating a death. The Kubler-Ross model teaches us the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People experiencing divorce must plod through the stages of grief—those stages often go faster for the "leaver" than for the "left." Interview more than one attorney. Get the right fit for you. Look for an experienced attorney who can and will represent you zealously, but who also has a healthy respect for the point of diminishing return. What does that mean? In part, avoid spending $60,000 to collect $40,000. While you may want to turn to friends who have previously experienced divorce, you must remember that each case is unique. Your friends are well-intentioned, but may not be aware of all the issues at play in your divorce. Maintain equilibrium. Much of the "story" will come out. You do not need to discuss your case with each member of the PTA at your child's school. Rely on your attorney to help guide you through the legal process, and to empower you to make informed decisions. Realize that your attorney will strive to give you five-star service, but that even with the tools of modern technology, there may be the need for patience. Your case is one of many being handled by your attorney. Your choices of how to resolve your divorce should be based on informed decisions and the reality of your situation.