I recently experienced a disappointing, baffling and somewhat embarrassing situation with a client and I've been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now. To be very honest, I should probably call them a prospective client, since we never actually got the project off the ground.

In mid-September last year, the head of marketing for a fairly large regional firm (not in Pennsylvania) contacted me about a number of projects related to visibility and branding for the firm. It was a cold call—or email—of sorts. Her name was familiar but I couldn't remember where or when we'd met, and neither could she. A month into her new role, she had a list of short- and long-term priorities, a mandate from firm leadership and the promise of a budget to accomplish it. She also had a very small marketing department for the size of her firm, and she wanted my help.

It sounded like a great opportunity—perfect for my skill set and expertise. We had several long and productive phone calls strategizing how to accomplish her goals. We traded emails on process, priorities and price. She updated me on the budget discussions, and I provided her with information for her meetings with firm leadership. We had the inevitable lulls in the discussions—over the holidays, during our end-of-year fiscal and budgetary processes, and while we got busy with the day-to-day work that each of us had to do. Long silences were followed by a flurry of emails and updates, peppered with enthusiastic “We're almost there!” and “Looking forward to getting started!”

Last month she emailed to tell me the firm was ready to get started. She'd hired a new member on her marketing team who would be working on the projects.

I rounded up my content development team.

We held a kick-off meeting.

We slated the project to begin earlier this month.

When I didn't hear from her, I didn't think much of it. I sent a quick “hey, do you need anything from me to get started?” email.

Her reply a few days later came as a bit of a shock: the firm was going “in another direction for our projects.”

She was kind and complimentary, calling me a “consummate professional” whom she would recommend to anyone, and apologizing several times over.

But the bottom line was: I didn't get the work.

Ouch.

Why am I telling you about this disappointing (and I'll admit it, somewhat embarrassing) rejection?

Because we've all been there—in one way or another—from the “hot” prospect that never returns your phone call(s) to the loyal (or so you thought) client that hires another lawyer or firm to handle its newest matter, from the time-consuming RPF response that doesn't get you past the first round, to losing out to the other finalist at the very end of the selection process.

It sucks. A lot.

And the temptation is to shut your office door, patch up your ego, and try to forget about the whole nasty experience as quickly as possible.

Understandable? Yes.

The best choice? Nope. Not if you ultimately want to improve your marketing and grow your practice or firm. So, next time you get slapped upside the head by the loss of an opportunity, try this instead.

• Check the stories you're telling yourself.

Unless your client was forthright enough to tell you, you don't actually know why they chose not to hire you. You might think you do, but those are just the stories you're telling yourself right now. Anything from “I must really suck at what I do” to “they client is too cheap to pay our rates,” from “marketing really screwed up the pitch,” to “that RFP was a nightmare and impossible to answer.” I don't know why the client decided not to work with me. My stories were that I did something to offend the CMO, that my final cost for the project was too high, or (my personal favorite) that a former (dissatisfied) client advised the CMO not to hire me. The explanations we have may—or may not—be true. But what is true is that you can't rely on the stories in your head as a basis for action.

• Ask for feedback.

Many people balk at the idea of seeking feedback from clients or prospects. That's completely understandable. Difficult feedback is, well, difficult. But no feedback is worse. Not only does it leave you alone with the (possibly wrong) stories in your head, you can't solve a problem you don't know you have. Unless you know the real reasons behind the decision, you can't effectively make any changes to the way you position and market yourself or your firm.

• Prepare your ask.

Before you even think about asking a client or prospect for feedback, you need to accept the client's decision, whatever it is and however they got there. Your job is to make the client comfortable enough to give you honest, useful feedback on you, your presentation and your interactions. Let the client know upfront that you will not try to change their mind or sell yourself to them in any way. And keep your promise. You're gathering information, not pleading your case—even if you completely disagree with their viewpoint, see an obvious error in their information or assumptions, or are willing to negotiate the terms or price of the work. Be respectful of your client's time and comfort level. Make an appointment for a brief call or send a short email. And plan out just a few questions focused on what the client was looking for, where you may have fallen short, and suggestions for improvement.

• Use your feedback wisely.

The purpose of asking for feedback is not to check the “client feedback” box or to make you feel better (although it might). It's to get valuable information to help shape the way you market your practice or firm. Don't waste your client's time and goodwill by asking for feedback and then failing to act on it. On the other hand, not all feedback is usable feedback. Nor will it necessarily require you to make changes. Perhaps the information you get will show that you really weren't a good fit for this matter. That's okay, maybe next time. Or maybe never. If the client isn't in your target market, there's no sense trying to pursue work from them. Not every client is a good client, and you want to work with good clients.

• Keep in touch.

It's tempting to cross a client or prospect off your marketing list after a less-than-perfect pitch or matter. But unless the feedback you get is that you should never darken their door again, that person or company should remain a prospect—either for work at another time or as a connection or potential referral source. My client said she couldn't hire me for this project, and she also said she would refer me to others in and outside the industry. I'll take that as a win of sorts.

In the end, I thought (OK, obsessed) about the situation for 24 hours and decided a brief email would be the most comfortable way to get closure and feedback from the client. I thanked her for her email, assured her that no apologies were necessary, and asked if she'd be willing to tell me the reasons for the change in direction and any other feedback she might have. I haven't heard back—and I might not. Most service providers don't ask for feedback, so many clients are just not comfortable offering it up. At least I tried. And so should you.

Meg Charendoff, the principal of CREATE: Communications—Media—Marketing, is a lawyer, writer and marketing professional who works with law firms and lawyers to develop compelling content for their marketing and business development. She can be reached at [email protected] or 215-514-3206.