Dorothy O'Neil of Burns White (Photo: Courtesy Photo)

Ahhh, the Hollywood A-listers. We secretly, or not so secretly, stalk them on social media. We cut our hair like them. We attempt to dress like them. But, should we also get divorced like them?

It seems like every other week we hear of another celebrity couple calling it quits. What we often do not hear are the dramatic details of their divorce process or settlement terms. For couples who do publicize their settlement, a joint, noncombative statement that disappoints those looking for dirty details often accompanies it. How is this possible in an age where the media and paparazzi seem to gain access to everything? The answer could be that parties are going to great lengths to ensure the privacy of their very personal separation. Or, it could also be that these high-profile couples are reaching far more amicable resolutions to avoid publicizing dirt on one another. This latter option has been labeled “conscious uncoupling” by some of the Hollywood elite.

 What Is Conscious Uncoupling?

In 2011, Katherine Woodward Thomas coined the term “conscious uncoupling.” Thomas was a child of divorce and saw the perils that came with a toxic divorce, including alienation from her father. Years later when she divorced her own husband, she made a conscious decision to avoid that toxicity for the benefit of their daughter. Instead, she and her husband chose to focus more on building a healthy and mutually supportive co-parenting partnership. Thus, conscious uncoupling was born.  In 2014, Gwyneth Paltrow brought the term to the public eye when she announced her separation from her husband of 10 years, Chris Martin. Paltrow defined it as a gentler way to break up.

Traditional uncoupling fosters the idea of partners separating amicably by maintaining mutual respect throughout the divorce process and beyond. Conscious uncoupling takes this process a step further. Habib Sadeghi and Sherry Sami have authored several articles on the topic. They explain that for couples to be successful in conscious uncoupling, they must have “the ability to understand that every irritation and argument within a relationship was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing.” Disagreements, they say, are triggered by past frustrations, and attention should shift from the immediate incident to the root cause and underlying emotional injury. If partners can remain conscious of this idea during their uncoupling, this focus helps to:

• Build understanding during the uncoupling;
• Eliminate any adversarial elements from the process; and
• Shift focus on collaboration to achieve understanding and goals. (see Habib Sadeghi and Sherry Sami, ”Conscious Uncoupling,” Goop, https://goop.com/work/relationships/conscious-uncoupling-2/.)

Sadeghi and Sami provide further interesting insight as to why practitioners continue to see so many divorces and separations. They explain that the concept of marriage was based on old notions and shorter life expectancies. People were not living as long as they are now so they were not spending decade upon decade with one another noting, “Our biology and psychology aren't set up to be with one person for four, five or six decades.” When couples commit to 'happily-ever-after' forever, they often do not understand what that means, as each person grows and develops throughout the marriage. This does not mean that successful long-term marriages do not exist. “Accomplishing that requires occasionally redefining who we are separately within the relationship, and discovering new ways of being together as we change and grow.” Whether partners stay together or separate, they are still required to adjust to a new relationship as time progresses, see “Uncoupling with Clarity, Being Clarity.”

How Does It Work?

Woodward Thomas wrote, “Conscious Uncoupling,” based upon her own experience with the process. She developed a six-week, five-step program for success:

• Find emotional freedom;
• Reclaim your power and your life;
• Break the pattern and heal your heart;
• Become a love alchemist; and
• Create your happy-ever-after life.

Each step comes with exercises that help couples separate their lives. The process opens lines of communication between former partners, and provides clarity between one's thoughts and actions. However, positive communication between former partners can only occur after each partner has individually come to terms with his or her personal contributions to the disputes, and ultimate decision to separate.

There are many Hollywood couples engaging in conscious uncoupling, with each putting a unique spin on the process. Paltrow has stated that the key to succeeding in conscious uncoupling is to have an ex-partner willing to learn how to continue as a family, even after breaking up. Her ex-husband, Martin, has stayed overnight at Paltrow's home, had breakfast with her and their children, and taken them to school. Paltrow has similarly stayed at Martin's home for weekends and holidays. When Paltrow remarried in September 2018, Martin brought their kids to accompany Paltrow and her new husband, Brad Falchuk, on the honeymoon.

Even Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his wife, MacKenzie, engaged in a form of conscious uncoupling. They jointly disclosed their separation on Twitter, highlighting their intention to “continue our shared lives as friends.” Mackenzie detailed the terms of their divorce settlement on Twitter, which provided Bezos with sole voting power over their jointly owned Amazon stock. While some critics question the deal that Mackenzie received, she appeared satisfied by tweeting, “Grateful to have finished the process of dissolving my marriage with Jeff with support from each other and everyone who reached out to us in kindness, and looking forward to the next phase as co-parents and friends.”

For some couples, proximity is key to maintaining a successful relationship for their children. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner continued to live on the same property after filing for divorce.  An important part of their conscious uncoupling included keeping “the norm” for their three kids, and presenting a unified front. Garner supported Affleck when he went to rehab for alcohol addiction. Affleck posted a picture of Garner on Mother's Day this year, along with his own mother, and stated “Happy Mother's Day to the two incredible mothers who have shown me the meaning of love.” Similarly, Chris Pratt and Anna Faris agreed to live no more than five miles apart in order to co-parent their son, Jack, and Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom moved from Australia to Los Angeles together, agreeing to live five minutes apart for the sake of their son, Flynn.

These relationships vary greatly from the more hostile divorces that Hollywood has seen in the past. Kim Kardashian's divorce to Kris Humphries was a major media story. Humphries accused Kardashian of fraud, and claimed that their marriage was a hoax to make money and boost the ratings for her reality TV show. While the marriage only lasted 72 days, the divorce took over two years to finalize.

Other examples of contentious divorces include Paul McCartney and Heather Mills where Mills threw a jug of water at McCartney's attorney; Jon and Kate Gosselin, famously ”Jon & Kate Plus Eight,” which resulted in the eight children being split between the two parents; and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who hurled damaging accusations at one another. Interestingly, Pitt and Jolie have engaged Woodward Thomas in an effort to move forward in a more positive direction. Now they are entertaining a joint business venture.

Outside of Hollywood: Implementing Conscious Uncoupling Closer to Home

Conscious uncoupling is not just for celebrities. Law firms are capitalizing on its current popularity, and recommending the process for anyone filing for divorce interested in a less stressful, mutually satisfying and positive co-parenting relationship. Many see the advantage of minimizing the long-term impact that a negative, litigious and costly divorce can have on individuals and on families.

The primary method used to facilitate conscious uncoupling is the “collaborative law approach.” This client-centered process fosters the principles of teamwork, transparency, and respect and often involves a specialized and integrated team of professionals to help minimize the trauma associated with family disputes. Collaborative practitioners actively engage spouses in out-of-court settlement discussions, giving the parties much more control over the process and outcome—working together to distribute assets and outline a mutually agreeable custody schedule.

The collaborative law approach brings everyone together early in the process. This helps to set expectations and goals, expedites the process, and ensures that negotiations serve the best interest of all involved.

Conclusion

Whether in Hollywood or in your hometown, divorce is never glamorous. All couples facing the end of a marriage struggle with a range of emotions. All couples facing the end of a marriage have to find their way forward. Conscious uncoupling, or the collaborative process, is not for everyone. It requires that both spouses remain open-minded, possess a certain level of self-awareness and respect for the other's viewpoint, and place the well-being of all involved ahead of any selfish needs. For those who are committed to the process, conscious uncoupling can provide a mutually satisfying relationship outside of the institution of marriage.

—Taylor Mosley, a law clerk with the firm, helped in the research for this article.

Dorothy C. (Wolbert) O'Neil is co-chair of the family law practice at Burns White. She has extensive experience representing clients in all aspects of family law, with an emphasis on complex divorce, custody, support, and paternity matters, as well as prenuptial/postnuptial agreements, and protection from abuse cases. O'Neil is trained in the collaborative divorce process by the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and completed the National Institute of Trial Advocacy's comprehensive trial program for family law matters.