Sandra Mazer Moss

This month, I want to write about Rebecca Lavoie Deane, our precious daughter-in-law, who we lost unexpectedly on July 28 at 45 years old.

Rebecca was beautiful both inside and out. While she was slight and stood maybe an inch over five feet, she had a heart as big as Texas. A nursery school teacher by trade, she gave up classroom for homeroom soon after the birth of Craig, second of our three Deane grandchildren and, from then on, family became her full-time occupation.

Jeremy, my stepson, who became part of my life at 12 years old, was a loving husband and a devoted father. But it was Rebecca who orchestrated family life—from packing lunches, running carpools and serving as room mother to multiple elementary school teachers to hosting fundraisers for Grace's dance studio and the boys' soccer and baseball teams.

Rebecca was an avid photographer with a passion for recording the life and times of her kids. I rarely saw her without a camera in her hands or within easy reach. My home and office are stocked with photos of Grace, Craig and Mark, cavorting on the beach or in the ocean, Rebecca's two favorite places in the world. Whether she was documenting Mark breaking boards at Tae Kwan Do, Craig scoring another home run or Grace pirouetting across the stage, she always seemed to be on the scene and then have time to post all of the above on Facebook. I would always quip to my husband, Bill, that I didn't know how Rebecca had time to do anything else as she seemed to be on Facebook multiple times every day.

It turns out she had the time to make such an impact on her Belmont, Massachusetts community that over 250 people attended her funeral on Aug. 8. Standing in the receiving line at her visitation, prior to the funeral, I was awed to hear the many anecdotes on how she touched the lives of friends, neighbors, charitable and community groups.

Yet, with all her outstanding activities, Rebecca always made the kids her priority first and foremost. The amazing Grace, our oldest grandchild and only granddaughter, is a passionate dancer, both teaching dance and performing with a troupe. Rebecca was always at her side coaching and often performing at her recitals. She had perfect attendance at Craig's soccer and baseball games, most often bringing the obligatory quartered oranges and bottled water for timeouts. And, she worked tirelessly to find an activity that caught our little Mark's fancy as he was not a big fan of team sports. Tae Kwan Do did the trick and Mark has absolutely blossomed under his master's tutelage.

In April, right before Rebecca's surgery, Grace found out that her annual dance recital in June conflicted with her middle school class trip to Washington, D.C. She was crushed as any 14-year-old would be at missing either event. So Rebecca stepped up and solved the problem. She announced that she and Grace would go to Washington together for a weekend before her surgery and follow the same itinerary the class would follow in June. Then she would have similar experiences to share with her classmates when they returned, plus she would have some one on one quality time with her mother. In retrospect, it was a gift of memories she would give her daughter to cherish forever.

I loved Rebecca very much and our relationship meant a great deal to me. However, one thing I have learned from this tragedy is that we must communicate our thoughts and feelings, to those we love and those whose lives intersect with ours, on a regular basis. We cannot wait. We cannot be too busy to stop to tell a colleague he or she did great work on a particular case or project. We cannot neglect to tell our spouses or significant others that we appreciate their love and support. We cannot feel too uncomfortable or patronizing to tell our kids we are proud of their accomplishments, even if it's only a crayoned picture or a B+ on a math test. We cannot take for granted that an adult son or daughter will know that we are knockdown, drag-out thrilled at how they turned out in life.

While I think Rebecca knew how I felt about her, as her mother-in-law, I never actually sat down and told her. I never told her how proud I was of her choice to give up a profession she loved to throw herself full tilt into one she loved even more, but one without the challenge of the classroom or its financial rewards. I never told her how in awe I was of her parenting skills that produced such "together" kids as Grace, Craig and Mark. I never told her I appreciated how supportive she was of Jeremy's career and how willing she was to do double duty when he had to travel for work. Finally, I never told her how much I admired her strength and courage in the wake of health issues she faced.

Bill tells me Rebecca had good instincts and she knew how I felt about her whether or not I articulated it. I still wish I had said it face to face.

Lesson learned—it's important to communicate what you are feeling when you are feeling it. There's no time like the present.

Sandra Mazer Moss, retired, served on the bench as a trial judge, judicial team leader, and most notably, was the founder and first supervising judge of the Complex Litigation Center. She now works as a distinguished neutral for The Dispute Resolution Institute.