Many professionals describe situations where a child unjustifiably rejects one parent due to the influence of the other parent as a resist-refuse dynamic, or as a parent-child-contact-problem. Such situations may arise during or after divorce. The problem is that the resist-refuse dynamic may have long-lasting negative effects on family function and healthy interaction within the family.

Understanding Resist-Refuse Dynamics

Resist-refuse dynamics describe a situation when a child resists contact with one parent, though the underlying causes for that refusal may stem from more complex circumstances. Key characteristics of resist-refuse dynamics include:

• A child's strong alignment with one parent (the preferred parent).
• Unjustified rejection or denigration of the other parent (the targeted parent).
• Guilt-free, certainty in the child's negative characterization of the targeted parent.
• Applying that negativity to the targeted parent's extended family and friends.

Recognizing the Signs

Legal professionals and others involved in divorce, custody and modification cases should be aware of potential indicators of such dysfunction, often reflected by:

• Sudden changes in the child's behavior: A previously close bond between parent and child deteriorates rapidly without apparent cause.
• Use of adult language or concepts: The child criticizes the targeted parent using phrases or ideas that appear to exceed the child's developmental level.
• Splitting: Engaging in a psychological defense mechanism where the child perceives one parent to be all good and the other parent as bad, without any recognition that each parent may have both good and bad qualities.
• Knee-jerk championing of the preferred parent: The child sides with the preferred parent in every situation, particularly if a conflict is involved.
• Guilt-free blaming: The child is remorseless for the cruelty inflicted on the targeted parent.
• Appropriated stories: The child describes negative experiences with the targeted parent that they could not have witnessed or that reflect the preferred parent's experiences with the targeted parent.

Early Intervention Strategies

Recognizing these signs early is crucial for intervention to be effective. Legal professionals can play a vital role in addressing these issues by:

• Educating clients: Lawyers need to inform parents about the harmful effects associated with parent-child-contact-problems and the importance of fostering positive relationships between children and both of the child's parents.
• Encouraging co-parenting education: Recommending that parents participate in co-parenting classes or workshops focused on child-centered divorce practices, or, seeking court orders that mandate parent participation in such classes.
• Promoting therapeutic intervention: Lawyers may advocate for family therapy or specialized treatment when they see signs of unjustified rejection of one parent.
• Seeking the appointment of a guardian ad litem: Ask the court to appoint an attorney to represent the child(ren) in the hopes of obtaining an objective assessment of the family dynamics.
• Minimizing conflict: Lawyers can try to implement parallel parenting arrangements to maintain both parents' involvement in the children's lives.
• Considering child custody evaluations: Where there is pending litigation, and resist-refuse dynamics are involved, lawyers may seek to have a qualified child custody evaluator appointed to assess the family dynamics and to make recommendations as to how to improve the family's situation.

Lawyers as Facilitators

Attorneys may take many steps to promote family restoration and to help the parties address dysfunctional dynamics, including the following:

• Prioritize the best interests of the child. Frame all legal arguments and recommendations in terms of the child's long-term well-being, with emphasis on the importance of maintaining relationships with each parent.
• Advocate court involvement. Hearings and orders should be sought as swiftly as possible to address alienating behaviors before those behaviors become entrenched across the family unit when warranted.
• Recommend a parenting facilitators and/or coordinator. Sometimes, a well-trained third party neutral, experienced in high-conflict cases, can be most helpful in educating, counseling, and realigning the family.
• Restoration. Try to determine what a nuanced, unique approach for this particular family might be that allows for the gradual rebuilding of the parent-child relationship to a healthy place.
• Shake it up. In very severe cases, ascertain—hopefully with the help of an educated judge— whether temporary changes in custody might serve to interrupt the flow of detachment, and allow for a more appropriate parent-child relationship.

Mental Health Professionals and Attorneys Collaborate

• Consult. Attorneys should seek input from psychologists and/or family therapists who have experience treating individuals/families experiencing parent-child-contact-problems.
• Assessments. Seek comprehensive family assessments/evaluations that help to identify underlying issues and that can guide intervention strategies.
• It takes two or more to tango. Encourage a combination of individual, family and group therapy approaches tailored to the family's particular needs.
• Validated Programs. Advocate for court-ordered participation in programs that are specifically designed to address the resist-refuse dynamic. Whisking the children off to a boot camp may not have the impact that the targeted parent hoped for.
• Watchdog. Lawyers should do their best to assure that therapeutic interventions align with court orders.

Ethical Considerations for Attorneys

When attorney have clients advising us that their family is experiencing parent-child-contact issues, remember that they must be sensitive to ethical conundrums inherent in such cases, including:

• Maintain professional boundaries: While attorneys are "counselors" we are not therapists. It often behooves us to refer clients to mental health professionals.
• Don't pour fuel on the fire: Yes, we should zealously advocate for our client, but that can be done without reinforcing bad behaviors.
• Kids come first: Attorneys should prioritize the best interests of children. We must consider whether a client's objectives keep their child's well-being first and foremost.
• Truth: Attorneys need to dig down to investigate claims of abuse or neglect. The mere fact that child protective services labels a case as "reason to believe" may or may not be indicative of abuse or neglect. Consider whether an underlying allegation of abuse or neglect has been trumped up.
• Maintain objectivity: Be cautious. Do not become emotionally invested in the case, nor in aligning too closely with one parent's perspective. Judges quickly learn that each parent has their own perception of the "truth," forcing the judge to make a more objective assessment of the facts of the case.

Long-Term Strategies for Healing

Attorneys should play a crucial role in setting the stage for long-term family healing:

• Encourage parenting support: Recommend continued participation in co-parenting education, trauma education, or support groups even after the litigation ends.
• Advocate for review hearings: Suggest periodic court reviews to assess progress and to make necessary adjustments to orders.
• Promote family-centered approaches: What can we do to shift the case from adversarial legal proceedings to more family-centered resolutions?
• Support counseling: Attorneys who recommend continued family therapy or counseling may help their client find ways to address on-going issues and to strengthen family relationships.

Conclusion

Parents and children should not have contact problems. However, the dissolution of a marital relationship often includes changes to the parent-child dynamic. There is a delicate balance between legal advocacy and sensitivity to complex family dynamics. By recognizing signs of potential issues early on, implementing appropriate interventions, and collaborating with mental health professionals, attorneys can play a crucial role in facilitating family normalization even in high-conflict cases. Our focus should be on the best interests of children, with a goal of fostering positive relationships between the children and each parent wherever possible. As attorneys, we have a responsibility to help our clients navigate the legal aspects of divorce, and to consider the long-term well-being of the families we are given the privilege of serving. We must approach challenging cases with knowledge, empathy, and a commitment to family healing, to help break cycles of dysfunction in order to set the stage for positive outcomes for children of divorce.